Staying Silent
by katie janeway
Summary: Grief keeps her silent. SeamusParvati


She walked the halls, but she didn't meet their eyes. She didn't join the whispered conversations; she didn't add to the rumors flying by. She merely walked, head down, silent.

He had been one of the last to believe that year. And then he'd been the first to fall. The first of many.

Maybe if it had been predicted, she could have dealt better. Maybe she could have prevented it. But Divination hadn't come through. And now she knew that Hermione Granger was right. Fortune-telling was worthless.

She remembered their first kiss. They hadn't even been dating; hadn't considered dating. Or at least, she hadn't. But when a boy, a good-looking one no less, just kisses you for no reason, then runs into class, you start to wonder.

Their first date couldn't be counted a date; no one had known they were together. And a defense club meeting isn't exactly romantic, especially as that was the night Umbridge found them out.

"She's not herself."

"Of course not. Would you be, if you'd been dating him?"

Whispers followed her everywhere. Everyone knew she had lost someone special to the fight. Everyone also knew that he'd died because of her. Because she'd been afraid.

Nothing was supposed to happen over the summer. Not to kids their age. It just didn't work that way. But they'd been in the wrong place at the wrong time. And he was the only casualty in a room full of people. Because she'd been afraid to cast a spell. Because she'd been paralyzed by the realization that she'd known the Death Eaters that had crashed her party that day. Everyone knew that detail too.

"They say he died because she was training to be a Death Eater, and he found out."

"No. He wouldn't have died, then. She would have -they'd have killed her for getting caught. You know what they did to his parents?"

"Yeah, drove them crazy."

"No, that's Neville's family."

"Then what did they do?"

"I'm not sure, but…"

"Well, I heard…"

"All right, SHUT IT!" She glanced around, surprised. Neville Longbottom stood, wand out, behind her. He was glaring at the group of girls who'd been whispering in the corner.

"I've had enough rumors. Either ask her yourself, or shut up. And I'll hex you if I hear about it again."

She smiled her thanks, then rushed away.

The voices followed her everywhere. Eating at her. Spreading the emptiness that she felt. She wished she could vanish, become nothing.

"Um…? Neville was there again. "If you ever need to talk…"

She folded upher emptiness briefly, so that it would seem only a small part of her, and flashed a dazzling grin. "Thanks. But I'm fine, really. It's been two months. I'm fine."

"No, you aren't." he replied, quietly. The folds gave way, and the emptiness came back, worse than before. "And maybe you don't want to talk. But I'm here, when you're ready."

"If you need to talk…" Funny. Most of the people she'd associated with had not made that offer. Only Neville, and the trio, as she liked to call them. But she couldn't talk. Not only would it bring her pain fully to the surface, but the others' as well. Neville and Harry's parents, Mr. Weasley, Sirius Black. And all four had fought, knowing they might die, along with Ginny and Luna.

She could no longer say "Loony." The girl was braver and stronger than she herself was. She was the one should be enduring the taunts. And she wasn't. Luna still bore them daily.

She wanted to be that strong. Wished she had been that strong. He might still be alive. Or even if he was still dead, he'd have died for a braver, better girlfriend than this one. The one consumed with guilt.

* * *

Many were surprised when they found her hanging in a little used classroom. But Harry, and those who'd fought with him, weren't. Harry especially. They knew how hard it was to deal with someone's death. To feel blame.

"I wish Parvati had talked to us," Neville whispered softly. "We could've helped."

Luna nodded. "Seamus' death wasn't her fault."

"But they're both dead now," Harry said, steel entering his voice. "Voldemort has three Hogwarts casualties on his list. And he'll add more."

The others stared at him in shock. "Harry…" Hermione whispered.

"It's a war. They found that out. And so will everyone else."


End file.
